“Back To BDSM Basics

The BDSM community can seem alien when you first encounter it, but all it takes is a little patience and some basic research. This is not the Illuminati, or the Masons – there is no ritual, human sacrifice or handshake to get in – you just have to learn how to interact with people all over again. 

Now I’m guessing you already spend way too much time browsing the kinky internet…So I am here to save you hours of your life and cover some of the real basics to get you started. This is the article everyone didn’t know they needed on day one of their kinky journey.

"This is not the Illuminati, or the Masons – there is no ritual, human sacrifice or handshake to get in"

Q. What is a “scene”?

A. It is the word used to describe the interaction between consenting parties, with pre-agreed limits, expectations and duration. You should never interrupt or intrude upon someone else’s scene. (This is usually relevant at kink events, where play rooms are available to walk around.

Q. What is a “munch”?

A.It is an organised, planned social event for kinky people to meet outside of a dungeon setting.  You can socialise in civilian clothing at a civilian location. No one need ever know the topic of conversation, but don’t go along expecting fetish gear or spankings. You’ll be very disappointed.

Dominatrix with a whip
Dominatrix countess diamond wearing plum latex holding single tailed whip

Q. Is a kink different from a fetish? 

A. It definitely is. Kinky people are sexually adventurous and are turned on by the visual or physical aspects of BDSM. They are motivated by their libido. Those with a fetish have a profound mental need for that particular fabric, item, punishment or archetype. They are mentally and emotionally stimulated as well as physically. It’s like the brain v body to simplify the distinction. 

Q. What is “play”?

A. This is the word we use to describe what goes on in a session or scene. It is a very broad term and means pretty much what it sounds like. But it also reminds you it is not reality; it is a fantasy and it’s important to retain the distinction.

Q. What are limits?

A. These are how we describe our mental and physical comfort zones. These have to be discussed prior to a scene taking place. You set out what you like, what you don’t. Most of us have hard and soft limits. Definite “no-no’s” and some “maybe’s”. But get really clear on the definite NO’s and communicate them clearly – this is not the time or place for ambiguity.

Q. What is edge play?

A. Well, I can tell you what it isn’t – edging! These 2 get confused by newbies, and it is so cringy. Edging is stimulating your genitalia to the edge of climax then stopping, over and over. Edge play means playing close to the edge of someone’s hard limits. Usually only attempted by experienced players. 

Dominatrix Countess diamond with a whip
Dominatrix countess diamond wearing latex holding a single tail whip

Q. What is a “tribute”? 

A. It is a fee for our time and attention. It varies from Domme to Domme, and if you do your research, you will work out why some charge more than others. This fee can apply for contact, sessions, advice; basically you should always be prepared to compensate your chosen Domme for her time or attention.

Q. What is the difference between a submissive and a slave?

A. A submissive is someone who likes to be dominated/ made helpless and vulnerable in a carefully negotiated setting. They can use a safeword and end a scene whenever they want. A slave has given up consent and cannot negotiate any terms of his enslavement once the collar goes on. They are dehumanised and treated like property. 

Q. What is subspace?

A. This is what can be achieved when either a bottom (sub, slave, sissy) feels completely relaxed and safe with a long term Top (Domme, Dom, Daddy or Mummy) overseeing the play. Or a new D/s dynamic that has really nailed communication prior to play. When every element of the play is expertly carried out, and the levels of intensity are turned right up, the bottom can have a kind of “out-of-body” experience that feels like floating. 

Q. What is a safeword, and do I really need one?

A. It is a pre-agreed code word that means you unequivocally want the play to stop – immediately. So yes … you really need one. I have asked every new play partner what theirs is, and only two have ever used it. If you want your submissive to relax and allow the play to flow, this small detail allows them to do just that. (If anyone ever ignores a safeword this person should be considered dangerous and unsafe to play with again).

Dominatrix Countess diamond with a whip

Acronyms

  • SSC – Safe, Sane, Consensual – These 3 little words are the foundations of a healthy kink dynamic.
  • RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink
  • BDSM – Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism
  • CBT – Cock and Ball Torture
  • CP – Corporal punishment
  • NT – Nipple torture
  • NP – Needle play
  • ABDL – Adult baby diaper lover

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Dominatrix countess diamond wearing latex holding a single tail whip

Back to BDSM basics

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