Long term BDSM relationships

When we begin our kink journeys, we all hope to find someone we can share it all with, who is just as into the stuff you’re into, as you are. 

One of the benefits of cultivating a meaningful D/s is a much deeper experience for both parties. Domme hopping might seem fun for a while, but superficial physical thrills are nothing compared to the mental side that can only come from a place of trust and devotion.

As time passes and the boundaries remain intact, you can build from the foundation of trust that you have established together. You have learned each other’s rhythms and preferences, things begin to flow in handout of a scene.  

Hurting your body is something anyone can do, you can go get that tomorrow. But with a deep rooted respect and reverence for your Dominant you’ll realise that she can hurt your soul too. Over time, she has quietly been playing poker with your brain. Seeing which areas of you are weak and sensitive, watching for your “tells”. The same goes for verbal communication, you are so desperate to talk and tell her how you feel, and mentally she is noting it all down, to use against you later. 

"BDSM is a wide ranging and colourful spectrum"

Long term client or long term submissive

There will always be subs that come to see me sporadically, or for a few sessions then are never heard from again. Which is fine. These are the “kinky” guys or the pure masochists that have a scratch to itch, but it doesn’t always mean they are submissive. So they could come and see me every week, but have no mental or emotional investment or connection with me. It will always be transactional and compartmentalised for them.

 This works for everyone, because if I bonded with everyone that came to see me, I’d be exhausted. There is no need for you to try to be something you are not, especially not here, not in the BDSM scene. This is supposed to be the place where you can be honest and open (finally) about what you like and don’t. To go to all this trouble then lie or pretend, would be to miss the entire point. 

BDSM is a wide ranging and colourful spectrum, there are fetishes, kinks, needs. There are physical, mental and emotional masochists. There are the exhibitionists, the private ones, the social ones. Each and every kink is valid, but the thing about BDSM, is that when you start out on the journey with the right partner, your interests intertwine with theirs. With the right person, you will be open to trying things that previously held no appeal. 

The key

In a long term D/s you have more options. The other persons enthusiasm for a new fetish may pique your interest too. That trust gives you the confidence to go “well okay, we can see how it goes”. Because you know if you don’t like it after the first 10 minutes, you will stop, laugh and move on to the next thing. 

The reason you are still engaging so devotedly with each other is because you work so well together in these roles. Because you are constantly looking out for each other’s well-being, respecting each other’s lives outside of that room. What you are building is invaluable, and something most solitary players are envious of. You are the guy everyone claims is “lucky”. But it’s not luck, it’s consistent dedication, honesty and respect. It’s actually mind-blowingly simple, but the sad truth is most people can’t offer that or just won’t. Many “submissives” are still covertly selfish, and we see it eventually and then our wall goes up and they remain pushing at a door that says pull. 

A long term D/s is the holy grail of BDSM. As I have just pointed out very few subs are actually suited or available for an ongoing BDSM relationship, this is where that “honesty” thing I just mentioned comes in. From day 1, you need to know what you want. On day 2 you need to be able to communicate what you want and what you don’t want to your ideal Domme. It’s ok to want an on-demand service from us, you drop by when you get the time. That is no problem to us. Just don’t for the love of God, tell us you are desperate to be in a live-in slave 24/7, when you are married and work 50 hours a week. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with us. It’s called a fantasy because it’s something people wish for. Our job as a professional Dominatrix is to make that fantasy as real as possible in the time you have available.

Misconceptions

To be a long term submissive, you don’t have to come regularly, not every week or every month. You just have to demonstrate dedication between sessions if there are large gaps between visits. Offer to assist your Domme in any way you are able to. Contribute to and have concern for her ongoing well-being. There are subs that only me see me 4/5 times a year, but in between, they pay for my content, clips and tip regularly just because. They show they care about me and my business but also my wellbeing, not just as a Domme, and that’s the defining trait in a sub I would consider for a collar. 

FYI not all long term subs are offered or interested in being collared. Some Domme’s don’t offer collars at all, while others give them out like sweets. A deep D/s relationship is more than an object, if you are just chasing a collar, you are focusing on the wrong thing. 

The ride

I have been lucky enough to accumulate some amazing subs who have served me for years now. Long term D/s dynamic’s certainly seem to follow a predictable trajectory in my experience.

  1. The rolling start – you get on well from day one. The energy feels good and you roll with it.
  2. The climb – things are getting better and better. More than you could have imagined. The highs are amazing. (This phase can go on for months/years
  3. The plateaux – things seem to peak and level off. You have both hit a limit and enjoy playing at this heightened level.
  4. D/s utopia – she is your kink now.


The peak is not the end, it’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean it’s less exciting. You have already incorporated so many elements in your play, that she now has so many things she can throw at you, and you won’t know when or where. That’s where the excitement is – in your head. 

You have tried everything you want to and your play gets refined, tweaked and perfected – you can both relax into it. Your Domme can now layer up different fetishes and add in equipment, she can be spontaneous and play with you confidently. 

“Over time it won’t even feel like an effort anymore”

Countess’s Pro-Secret – However confident a Domme may seem, she can only truly be confident with a play partner when she knows him – his reactions, his fears, his weaknesses. Then he’s fucked. 

Over time it won’t even feel like an effort anymore. It will feel like playing. You will feel utterly subservient in her presence and she will be able to relax around you. 

If the circumstances allow, and the feelings are mutual, a female-led relationship can grow from it. But that’s a whole other blog post.

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