Disharmony In D/s

& How To Fix It

When you begin engaging the services of a sex worker, you understand there is a transaction for services rendered. That’s how it starts, over time you can build up a great, mutually beneficial relationship. Some of these secret relationships can go on for years, they can blossom into a friendship. It’s likely, anyone who has successfully navigated a long-standing D/s with a Professional Dominatrix will have made mistakes along the way. 

We expect these mistakes, we can even forgive them.

"As the professional, it is vitally important that we set out the rules and boundaries from the start."

Communication is key.

As the professional, it is vitally important that we set out the rules and boundaries from the start. It is down to us to set the tone and establish the rules. We have websites and social media feeds full of our protocols and preferences for those smart enough to do their homework. We are not hiding this information, it should not come as a surprise that we don’t want you calling us at 2am to talk about your next session, or that we actually want paying if you expect replies to your messages. Reminding you of this fact is as tedious to us, as it is to you. We are repeating ourselves about how we work, when we work, what we like, and what we don’t. And we need at least half as much back to have any chance of understanding you, to learn your needs and about your boundaries.

Anytime a problem arises within an ongoing sex worker/client dynamic, it is usually because over time the familiarity with each other gets confused with their other personal relationships, where boundaries are informal and negotiable. Boundaries in BDSM are not, this goes both ways, privacy and respect should be non-negotiables for the D and the s. If reality starts to bleed into the fantasy, or vice versa, take a pause. Because unlike other personal relationships, this is one that typically, no one else knows about. It is secret and so the pain and the struggle is internalised. The only other person you can talk to about it is the one person who you have had a breakup with. When negative emotions get internalised, they tend to erupt eventually in destructive ways. So you may have parted ways on argument and felt aggrieved and misunderstood but hurting the other person when you don’t know their circumstances or the context could backfire big time. 

Wait, send an email with your feelings on the issue once you can communicate more objectively. This is less invasive and impulsive than calling/texting. Then they can see your explanation and choose to reply or not.

Countess’s Pro Tip – Learn to let it go, whether you are a Domme that has been ghosted by a real time regular or a sub that has been blocked by a Dominatrix. Make a reasonable attempt to restart a sensible conversation…ONCE. But then, accept it and move on. The alternative is messy and there is enough hate in the world.

If you risk upsetting them further by continually sending messages, send a gesture or gift instead, without expectation attached. We notice actions, not words. Don’t say you are sorry, show that you are sorry.

"A professional Dominatrix runs a business, they are not going to cut off a good client without a good reason."

When a D/s has broken down completely

If a Pro-Domme has stopped communicating with you, there will (usually) be a very good reason for it. A professional Dominatrix runs a business, they are not going to cut off a good client without a good reason. To have got to the point that a sub is refused a session, blocked from contacting her, they must have really crossed a line. 

Equally, if you have left the service of a Pro-Domme through choice as they have betrayed your trust or failed to work within your boundaries, it typically won’t have been a decision taken lightly. You will have agonised over it, and you may or may not have the words to explain then and there. You may need time to process the hurt before you can talk to them about it calmly, or it may have been too traumatic, and the words will never come. 

In these cases, time will pass and when you are ready you will have a conversation and move on separately or together. I hear from many subs who have taken years away from the scene to process the end of a kink relationship. If a D/s fails you will be angry, you will be sad, you will be hurt, you’ll go through it all. Eventually you will come out the other side and you will have learnt something. 

It really is a lifelong learning curve, and these interactions and relationships can be so intense and have such a profound, lasting effect that you think you will never get over that loss. Then eventually, another Domme comes along, who is not the same, who is very different to the last one. But this is what makes them better for you. Keep going and growing.