The First Kink

Why I crave giving up control - Sub Stories

I hear the sound of heels on the floor.

I don’t turn to look, that much I’ve already been instructed on. I am to sit on the couch and wait until I’ve been told otherwise. My heart races as the footsteps approach and she steps into view. My eyes start on the floor, tracing up the thigh-high boots, fishnet stockings, latex skirted corset, up to the face sneering at me from above. She opens her mouth and says… …I don’t know. That’s where the fantasy ends. I’ve been running this scenario in my head for years. My first kink experience as a sub. How will it happen? Where will it happen? Try as I might, I’ve been unable to make everything line up.

It’s not for lack of trying and research.

The kink community has always intrigued me ever since I started watching porn. From the dial-up days and my first email account, secretly signing up for “Bikini Girls Daily” or something with that sort of name, I’ve always wanted more than just girls posing or having sex in various positions. Something hit a little deeper each time someone wore an outfit that was a bit off from the norm. Something drove me to find the girls with the unconventional looks, holding their hands behind their backs, sitting in a powerless pose. By the time video sites came around, I knew what it was that was missing. I wanted to watch people submit. I wanted to see them forced to feel, forced to go through an experience. I wanted… I wanted someone to do it to me. Whoa. That’s a new thought. So I started reading. Videos could only show so much. Why would anyone want to be tied up? Why would anyone want to give up control?

I saw plenty of magazine level fantasies written up or shown on TV.

I saw plenty of magazine level fantasies written up or shown on TV. The high powered executive who runs a company but secretly goes to a dungeon 3 times a week on lunch and gets whipped while being called a little piggy. He’s caught in a police raid, his wife cries, and the police detective says “what a weirdo!” But the firsthand experiences I saw didn’t reflect that reality. The people in the kink community weren’t a monolith. They came from all walks of life. They all wanted something different. Some were working through their trauma. Some just had fun. But the one thing they all had in common was the backbone of kink: trust. They had found a group they could trust with their secrets, with their pleasure, with their journey. And that just felt so appealing to me.

And so I started looking. By happenstance, I found some friends who were already involved in the lifestyle. But any playtime was not to be had. They were good friends and already in a committed relationship to each other. It wasn’t a complete loss. I now had someone that I could talk to and ask questions, rather than anonymous online sources.

But what’s kept me from finding a match for all these years? 

Shame, embarrassment, and trust.

It sounds cliche, but I was raised in a religious household. I’m not the only black sheep in the family who turned away from a religious life, but some things stick deep.

My dad found one of my porn magazines once, and it just happened to be the first kinky magazine I ever bought. Although the term kinky is doing a lot of heavy lifting. The extent of the kink in this magazine was women posed in leather corsets and fishnets. But that was enough to warrant a stern talking-to about how sex is a beautiful thing, but I shouldn’t let something like a dirty magazine spoil it. Rather than taking the advice to heart, I instead resolved to never get caught again. So I learned to hide my desires and predilections. I kept them as my little secret. I lurk on alternative profiles on social media, but I never follow or interact with the posts. What if someone sees that I responded positively to something like that?

If I want to break away from my upbringing, remove the stigma and shame, I’m going to have to find someone who I can trust.

Here lies the problem

To build the trust, I have to get over my anxiety. To get over my anxiety, I need to find someone I can trust. And so my search continues. Online dating in my hometown is difficult enough before I add in having some general standards, and that doesn’t even begin to get into talking to someone about kink. It’s not something you bring up in the first conversation. “Hi. What do you do for fun? Would you like to tie me up and flog me?” There are dedicated social media sites for this sort of thing, and while I have dipped a toe, the blessed anonymity of being able to speak freely with like minded individuals also sparks the damned anxiety. How can you know who you’re really speaking to? How can you know that you’ll be able to build trust with them? Yes, there’s public meet and greets. But what if I see someone I know? Once again, the anxiety makes everything more difficult. And so, I continue on, searching for a match, exploring, learning, opening up where I can, when I feel safe.

I know one thing for certain: when I finally do find a match and can arrange with someone I trust, I’m going to be one of the most well read perverts out there.

- A Well Read Pervert

Find your place in My world

You have a dark sexual need for submission to a Dominant Woman that won’t fade and despite your best efforts, it has taken root in your mind. It swirls around in your head after dark and somehow, it’s led you here. To Me. 

Chastity Cages

Chastity cages for each level of experience.

Why Lock?

Why chastity is a pleasure for everyone.

In Session With Me

Learn what happens in session with a Dominatrix.