“In the chaos of life, BDSM is the counterweight to all the pressures and expectations”
Many of us with kinks spend the early part of our lives feeling bad or wrong or broken. But we are none of those things. I suspect (pure speculation, I have yet to do a scientific study) that most people, the majority of the population, are turned on by things other than genitals. It is subtleties we find erotic, extras that turn us on mentally. And I think that is all that separates us from vanilla’s – a better imagination and the courage to pursue it. Being kinky means you are enlightened, you realise that our brains are our most powerful sexual organ. If it was just about penetration, it would be a very dull life, kink is the bonus round of the bedroom. So why does it make us feel ostracised and abnormal? Why do we spend so many years feeling alone and weird? Because we have so much else going on that kink becomes the escape? It gets ignored and side-lined until you can’t ignore it any longer…?
In the chaos of life, BDSM is the counterweight to all the pressures and expectations, from others and those we place upon ourselves. Our own personal relationship with kink will always be extraordinarily complex and consequently often inexplicable. There is no “why” and there doesn’t have to be. It’s a surrender, to me as your dominant, to the pain that is screaming through your body, to the craving for kink, and the questions it raises within us.
“We all have good and bad in us“
Light V Dark / Good V Bad / Wrong V Right / Pain V Pleasure / Fantasy V Reality. I keep seeing these opposites meet in the middle when I think about my work and the world of kink.
Does this role make me a monster? Am I evil? No, of course not. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter. I care for people and adjust my role depending on who I am with. We all do! And that’s what I want to cover today.
We all have good and bad in us. We are complex creatures, dealing with complex lives and complex emotions. Many of my play partners are struggling as “double-lifers”. Keeping their submissive side hidden and having to be secretive about the purchases and communications that go along with it. Having to wait for the next session, fantasising about BDSM scenarios and how your life could be if you lived it 24/7. These are common difficulties facing many in the kink scene, knowing where fantasy ends and reality starts can start to blur. You just have to remember that kink is there to enhance your life to deliver equilibrium, temporarily. It is a need that has to be met, but you have a life outside of the dungeon. You are a husband, a father, a boss maybe? You have other relationships to protect and other people to consider around you. It doesn’t matter how you get your high (skydiving, exercise, drugs) as long as the other areas of your life don’t suffer because of it. Otherwise, it becomes a problem, when what I am offering is a solution. I am a drug-free rush, I don’t damage you inside or risk your life, or interfere with your home life. I am a healthy outlet for your cravings when we both understand that our time together is pure fantasy.
“The world of BDSM only becomes a problem when the balance is messed with“
The world of BDSM only becomes a problem when the balance is messed with. When you get greedy or impatient, you jeopardise your life and happiness by making something that should be a blessing into a curse. It’s like the difference between someone who can have a couple of glasses of wine on a night out and an alcoholic. One of those people has found an outlet but it has become a destructive force in their life. One has kept the balance. Never rush into finding a play partner, take your time, do some research.
I cannot urge you strongly enough – find a professional dominant that really is “professional” in how she deals with people. Find a Pro-domme that respects your boundaries, and homelife, a Domme that is mature enough to be level-headed on days when you are not. If someone I’d been sessioning with for a while, out of the blue asked for blackmail, and sent me his wife’s phone number and bank account details. I’d be concerned and have questions; my priority would be his well-being, I’d want to understand where that came from.
There are many unscrupulous “Dommes” that wouldn’t hesitate to spend his money and tell his wife. I understand Findom, but I am a good person in a bad girls outfit, my evil streak is not real. I know risk is the product I am selling, that is something you enjoy. But if your risk taking, has the potential to damage the lives of those around you, that is exposing others to that risk without their consent.
“Leading a D/s double life is hard”
When you are seeking out a Domme, never be afraid to ask questions. And I urge you to ask this one, at the very least when contacting a Domme that claims to be a professional:
“What does consent / consensual play mean to you?” Frame it respectfully and if her response is dismissive, or the answer is vague, walk away. Run away! That’s a red flag.
Do you know how impressed and reassured I’d be to be asked such a responsible question? Because worryingly, most men, most potential submissives never ask about anything safety or security related. If a contact request arrived with someone asking me questions about my authenticity or ethics – I’d be over the moon. I’d know he was serious, and I’d know he was going about things intelligently. This guy would get a positive reply.
Play safe, respect boundaries and keep a healthy balance by playing with a well balanced dominant.
As well as being a mistress, I’m a mother and a wife, I know leading a D/s double life is hard, but at least it’s out in the open for me. Submissives have hidden lives, toys, playtimes and payment methods kept secret. It’s important to remember you are a husband, a father, a son, an employee, you have responsibility and should always choose to play with someone who respects that, unless you choose to relinquish it consensually. Take care to live in both worlds, and not fall into kink and out of life.
The BDSM community can seem alien when you first encounter it, but all it takes is a little patience and some basic research. This is not the Illuminati, or the Masons – there is no ritual, human sacrifice or handshake to get in – you just have to learn how to interact with people all over again.
There is no doubt about it, sexual desires are distracting. At the worst possible time, that little prick shaped bit of your brain pings and there you are, off in fantasy land with last month’s paperwork piling up beside you in the home office while you once again wander off to your favourite subscription site with your hand in your pants. Sufficiently jerked off, you wash your hands and wipe the sweat from your brow before logging in to that Zoom call.
No matter what stage of your relationship, dating, long-term or fully committed, sharing your innermost taboo secrets with someone will seem like the most nerve-wracking thing in the world. But what if I told you the conversation could open you up to experiences you previously thought weren’t possible? What if the conversation led to foreplay or better yet raw, red-hot kinky sex!