5 reasons why your D/s relationship is failing and how to save it.
It’s sad that I not only lose subs from time to time, but that I hear about it over and over from my Domme friends. Finding your perfect play partner is such a miracle, the amount of effort you put into finding a Dominant, the hours of searching. To find the person you not only match with on a practical level, but that you vibe with on a personal level really is a bit of a miracle.
As the D/s evolves over time, things can and will change. It’s part of the process, where a sub starts with me and where they finish is often so different, it’s kind of mind blowing.
But some changes can be detrimental to the D/s dynamic that you’ve worked so hard to create.
Here are the most common examples I have come across, and they can equally affect both sides. This is not a sub-bashing article. Let’s save that for the dungeon:
"Ambiguity leaves gaps, and what squeezes in to fill those gaps is assumption."
1 Boundary pushing. Familiarity can be disarming. It can make you compromise unintentionally, especially when it is someone you like a lot! A Dominant can also abuse their position, and push at hard limits and personal life stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable, and that is not OK. You must speak up. Even though you are the submissive, outside a scene you are still a strong person, don’t forget that and don’t put up with piss-takers! On my side of the fence, I would not tolerate urine extractors either. I have discussed this at length on my other blog post “Investing” read it here: https://countessdiamond.co.uk/investing/
2 Communication failures. This happens in every area of life, some people just aren’t good at it. I am direct and as much as that might sting at the time, it’s actually hugely beneficial to the D/s itself. If one of you at least isn’t big on clarity then there will be problems ahead. Ambiguity leaves gaps, and what squeezes in to fill those gaps is assumption. And assumption as we all know is famously “The Mother of All Fuck Ups”. So if I say I have an evening free, that doesn’t mean you can text me questions, thoughts and generally creep into my peace and quiet. Previously, subs have pushed their own wants, needs and desires carefully into the tiny holes of hope. Reading into things and hearing what most suits their own agenda. The moment a submissive thinks about his wants over my own, there is a problem. If you think by saying I have an evening to myself, I meant I wanted you to contact me or come over, let me assure you I don’t. This would obviously be a huge step and you should double check if that is what I mean. To avoid this pitfall ask obvious questions, speak clearly, and be honest.
"When a Domme begins in this industry, she has to make a conscious choice as to whether she divulges her marital status."
3 Fantasy isn’t always attainable: The most important component of a D/s is how the two people connect and interact. That is the core that will sustain everything else. But until you begin experimenting you can’t know how well (or how badly) that aspect will go. By the time you realise that part is perfect, you may have realised there are parts of your preconceived fantasy that seem to be missing. You wanted a latex clad Mistress but she tends to dress down? Extended confinement is one of your longest held fantasies but that is not possible from the location she uses?
So at the outset think about the long game. If you have found someone who allows you to explore safely, who cares for your well-being and is as sexy as hell, that is the gold rush right there. The add-ons might come, but don’t impose your kinks on her at that later stage. Lets go back to point 2 above. Be honest when you have those initial conversations. Tell her the long held fantasies you have. If it is something beyond his/her comfort zone then you already have that clarified. After that you have a choice – move on, or proceed but don’t push them on it when you see a moment of weakness. Manipulative subs are the worst. If however, you were honest, told them what you wanted on day one, and then she never delivers, you have the power to call that out. She can strategically withhold it. But to renege on a pre-agreed list of kinks is not professional.
(However on this; it is not uncommon to be sent a list of kinks. I then let the sub know yes / no to each one. I do not promise to cram all into our first session. But plan to attend to them over time.)
4 Becoming too comfortable: Your Domme is so perfect. The sessions are awesome. You’re learning and growing and you couldn’t be happier (honeymoon phase). After a few years (often sooner) as with any ongoing interaction, a certain level of complacency will creep in. But unlike your mates, wife or girlfriend, I do not have to put up with your mood-related inattentiveness. If you are having a bad day, you can and should flag that to your Dominant. But making your problems her problems on a regular basis is not what she signed up for. You are there to make her life better and any day you fail to hit that marker, you have failed. If you think this sounds unachievable, know that to make my day better most subs can achieve this by simply leaving me alone to get on with things. Tick !
But if I have given you a task and the outcome is half-arsed and sloppy, this will not earn you “extra” punishments! It will earn you my disdain. You will unwittingly be sliding down my league table of close subs. Then the next time I need someone reliable for filming or to attend an event – it won’t be you that gets the call. Respecting your Domme, her time, her work, her reputation is imperative.
When you fail, you jeopardise her career. She is working extremely hard to build herself up, so if you can’t help (are too busy, not financially able, too far away) then do not pretend you can. Too many subs over-promise and under-deliver, both of which slows me down and drains my energy.
Any time you can go the extra mile or two, do! And when you can’t – stay out the way.
5 Jealousy: This is a point that apparently needs labouring. It’s the top reason most D/s dynamics fail in a professional setting.
We lament our lost subs who started out so well, but then got more and more needy as time went on. Men have to keep that dormant ego in check, because finding a woman like me, that has the power to change your perspective on life itself, is kind of overwhelming and I get that. But to me you’re just a sub. An underling, a pet, deserving of very little admiration for the most part.
When a Domme begins in this industry, she has to make a conscious choice as to whether she divulges her marital status. There are two schools of thought on this, firstly that as a Dominatrix, we are unattainable. So saying we are married / taken should make no difference. Secondly, that if we are or pretend to be single, it gives men a glimmer of hope and makes them keep paying and keep sessioning… just in case, one day she decides you are the one for her.
As I have previously stated, honesty works best for me. The latter choice is disingenuous and will cause the hopeful sub to erupt in a jealous way eventually. Sometimes it’s just a single spurt other times its a gush of disappointment and lava. Either way it burns and I would just rather avoid it altogether. There is obviously a third option: to refuse to answer as neither will get you a single step closer to me. It is absolutely a moot point, this is my job. I am not dating – I am working, this should be obvious. Respect that boundary and never push at it and you will be a rare pet indeed. Your value could even match that of a real life partner. You just need to remain compartmentalised and accept your place.
So hopefully reading he above, when you do find that person, the nurturer that tortures you so beautifully you want to cry tears of pure joy, don’t cross lines, don’t get greedy. What you have is perfect as it is, so don’t get lazy or take her granted. If she isn’t quite living up to your fantasy, then change your fantasies or accept that you never wanted a Domme – you wanted your needs met.
The BDSM community can seem alien when you first encounter it, but all it takes is a little patience and some basic research. This is not the Illuminati, or the Masons – there is no ritual, human sacrifice or handshake to get in – you just have to learn how to interact with people all over again.
There is no doubt about it, sexual desires are distracting. At the worst possible time, that little prick shaped bit of your brain pings and there you are, off in fantasy land with last month’s paperwork piling up beside you in the home office while you once again wander off to your favourite subscription site with your hand in your pants. Sufficiently jerked off, you wash your hands and wipe the sweat from your brow before logging in to that Zoom call.
No matter what stage of your relationship, dating, long-term or fully committed, sharing your innermost taboo secrets with someone will seem like the most nerve-wracking thing in the world. But what if I told you the conversation could open you up to experiences you previously thought weren’t possible? What if the conversation led to foreplay or better yet raw, red-hot kinky sex!